


The Five Stages of Grief

by alymarie13



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Death, Depression, I don't know, I'm Sorry, I'm so Larry, Illness, M/M, Please Be careful, agnsty as fuck, larry - Freeform, larry stylinson - Freeform, louis sort of goes a wall, tags are useless, triggering, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2015-08-28
Packaged: 2018-04-17 15:20:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4671545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alymarie13/pseuds/alymarie13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis goes through a lot with Harry, but his biggest challenge is after. </p><p>Or the one where Harry is gone and Louis only has Zayn to look after him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Five Stages of Grief

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for many reasons but I can't even begin to explain the pain it gave me to write this. My friends hated me and I felt like maybe you should read it and hate me too? 
> 
> I have a death wish apparently. Hope you enjoy. xx

Chapter One: Denial 

“Lou—

“I’m not going,” he responded with an assertive huff. 

Liam responded with a sigh and told Louis they need this room. Silence was given as the response. “Louis—

“It’s just a joke, Liam. We used to do this all the time. He’d pretend to sleep and see how long it took for me to wake him up. He’s just playing the game…the fucking idiot.” 

Liam knew they couldn't keep playing around. The nurse outside was getting aggravated that they weren't leaving and there was only so much charming Zayn could pull off. “Louis,” he tried again. 

“Liam, I’m telling you. Any second now, his eyes will open and he’ll have the ridiculous dimpled grin he always has. But this time, I’m not going to laugh. Because it’s not funny, Harry,” he responded, making sure to make it clear he was not happy with the curly haired arse on the hospital bed. 

Liam wasn't sure where this neurotic Louis was coming from. He was doing so well for the past week. He barely cried until Harry actually passed and then it was just him crying. He begged a little for it not to be true, but he reacted pretty rationally. Then there was this…this lunatic talk. He couldn't do this to himself.

“Louis, please. We need to go. They need to clean—

“We’re not leaving until he wakes up.” Louis stood by the bed grasping the sheets trying to will him to wake up. Liam shook his head. He felt for Louis, he really did, but this was getting ridiculous. 

“He’s not going to wake up, Louis.” 

“Yes. He. Is. Sit down and shut your fucking mouth, Liam.” Liam let out another sigh and shook his head. He took a seat on the opposite side of the hospital bed careful not disturb the body. Liam couldn’t bear to look at him in fear of crying again. He promised himself he wouldn’t cry in front of Louis. He needed Liam to be strong for him. They all did. 

“Louis, I know you don’t want this to be true. None of us do, but he is dead. They did everything they—

“They didn’t have to, because he’s not dead.” 

“Louis, you need to cut it out. You’re making yourself look like an idiot acting like this,” Liam said trying to keep his voice calm. “Lou, he’s dead—

Louis snapped up at Liam and growled. “Stop saying that! No he’s not! He’s not dead! I already told you—

“Yes he is!” 

“No he’s not!” Louis growled, causing the hospital room to fall silent. Liam saw Niall perk up in the corner looking at the tension the outburst left between the other two boys. “You keep talking about him as if he was actually was dead,” Louis continued. “But we still have things to do together. We have to graduate college. He has to propose. We have to get married. We have to raise little babies together. We have to grow old together. We’re only in our twenties for fuck sakes. So, no, he’s not dead. He’s not allowed to be dead.” 

Liam finally looked directly at Louis. He caught this unbelievable sadness etched into Louis’ features. There was also a small flutter of his nose as the tears began to fall down his cheeks. “Then why are you crying?” Liam pointed out, reaching for his friend’s hand. 

Louis jerked away and quickly wiped away his tears, giving the other a harsh glare. “I’m not. The hospital is cheap and there must be a fucking draft, so my eyes are watering, okay?” 

“Lou—

“I swear to fucking god, Liam. If you say another fucking thing about him being dead or having to leave, then just shut your mouth and go. 

Liam just let out a breath of defeat and got up from the bed to sit beside Niall across the room. He closed his eyes and leaned his head on Niall’s shoulder. “Whenever you’re ready then, Louis.” 

~~~

Louis looked at Harry solemnly. Harry softly smiled. Louis looked away and busied himself with fixing Harry’s crumpled sheets. That’s all he really could do. The hospital smelled like cheap food and a strong burning. Louis couldn’t do much about that. He couldn’t do much about anything anymore, so the least he could do was fix the sheets Harry made a mess of in his sleep. 

“So, the doctor said that your vitals look good and—

“Lou—

“And soon you can come back home and we can watch that episode of X-Factor I missed—

“Lou, look at me, please,” Harry expressed calmly. 

Louis didn’t listen and continued on with his sheets, straightening what didn’t need to be straightened. Harry placed a hand on Louis’ and rubbed it tenderly. 

“Louis, please,” he begged. Louis looked up at Harry and paused. 

“Yes, Harry?” he asked, trying not to sound scared as he knew he was, as he knew he sounded regardless.

“Lou, I need you to do something for me.” 

Louis grimaced. 

“Harry, we’ve been through this. Please stop talking like that. You know how it makes me feel,” he said angrily. Harry just smiled and continued rubbing his hand. 

The room was quiet for once. Niall had left for some food in the cafeteria and Liam followed right behind him. Zayn was at his flat, probably trying to get some sleep. Everyone had left them alone for some quiet time together. Harry took advantage of it because he knew Louis would never let him be alone. The permanent bags under his eyes were proof of that. 

However, it only left sadness and the uncertainty of tomorrow between them. 

“Louis, I just want you to listen to me, please. For me.” 

Louis sighed miserably. “What is it then, Harry?” 

“I don’t want you to be afraid anymore. It’s going to be alright, you know?” 

Louis stood from the chair and pointed at Harry with as much anger as he could muster. He was tired and terrified and so close to crying if Harry kept talking about this fucking nonsense. “You keep saying that and, really, who is it supposed to be alright for, huh Harry? You’re dying and you expect me to be okay with that? How dare you!” 

Harry sighed loudly. “Louis, I’m not asking you to be okay with it; I’m asking you to not be afraid. I’m not, so I don’t want you to be.” 

“How can you say you aren’t afraid?” Louis asked, stunned by Harry being so calm. 

“I’m trying to be rational about this, Lou.” 

“There’s that fucking word again. I’m being rational, you’re being stupid.” 

“Lou—

“No, I’m not talking about this, Harry. I’m finished with this conversation.” 

Harry leaned back and didn’t bring it up again.

~~~

“Liam and Niall looked after your flat while you were gone. It should be clean for you,” Zayn said, stopping at a red light. He looked over to Louis who was looking outside though his own window. Louis had been quiet since they left the room. He hadn't muttered a sound to anyone. 

“Lou,” Zayn tried. 

“I heard you,” Louis responded dully. 

Letting out a sigh, Zayn continued driving trying to ignore the attitude Louis was giving him. He tried to overlook it all because he knew what Louis was going through. “We all know the pain you’re going through, Lou. You don’t have to—

“What pain?” 

“With Harry’s death; I just thought that with how you acted—

“He’s not—

“Dead, right. Sorry I mentioned it. I’m sure he’s waiting at the flat for you. I’m sure the guy at the hospital wasn't Harry and it was all just a big, crazy trick, right?” 

“Probably,” Louis deadpanned. 

“I’m sure that the hospital is going to call and say that the man they called dead over nine hours ago is not our Harry.” 

“Most likely,” Louis said again, not moving his glance from outside. 

“And then, I’m sure all those doctor’s appointments were just an elaborate joke planned out by Harry. I’m sure that the doctor will say all his symptoms weren't AIDS, but they were just him pranking you again.” 

Louis didn't respond right away and only glared at Zayn. “Zayn—

“And then they’ll say that everything was just a joke and he’s really just waiting for you at the flat with a big fucking cake and a smile.” 

“Stop it.” 

“Or maybe Louis, it’s not a joke. He’s not coming back because he’s dead for good! And he’s not coming back because he’s not faking it.” 

“Shut up!” Louis roared at him. 

“No.” 

Louis flinched at the sudden coldness of his friend’s words. “I’m sorry?” he replied in shock. 

Zayn glared out the window and seethed out. He began fiddling around his side car door looking for his cigarettes. The anger was making him crave another smoke. “I said no.” He placed a cigarette in between his teeth and lit it with one hand. “I’m not going to shut up, because you’re not. You keep going on about how Harry isn't dead. Well, I’m sorry Lou, but he is. He’s not playing dead, and he’s not going to wake up and laugh. He’s not going to. Why? Because he’s dead,” Zayn hissed out, his knuckles turning white from gripping the steering wheel too hard. 

The car fell silent for a while as they drove through the streets of London, the sound of cars going past them. After a while sitting in traffic, Louis spoke up in a tiny choked up voice. “You think I don’t know that?” His voice was so small and it broke Zayn’s heart. He looked over at Louis. Louis was picking at his fingernails. 

“You think I don’t know he’s dead? That he’s never going to wake up? I do, Zayn. I know he’s not coming back and it’s killing me. It hurts too much to think about not waking up to him, not seeing his smile every single day. I've spent my whole life with that little shit, since we were kids, and I've spent every day loving him and now I’ll never get to see him again. What the hell would you do if someone that you loved so wholeheartedly died? Would you want to give up on them? Because I’m sure you wouldn't! I know you. You’re my best friend, Zayn, practically a brother. And when the love of your life is dead and your brother is trying to tell you he’s never coming back, you only want one thing: for everything to go back to normal. So, I’m not going to give up hope.” 

“Louis,” he tried again. 

“Just drive, Zayn.” 

Zayn just closed his mouth, running a hand his hair and continued to drive. “I’m sorry, Lou.” 

~~~

Chapter Two: Anger

“Hey, Lou! How’s the boyfriend?” Zayn grinned as he stepped through the front door without knocking. Louis was lounging across the couch watching his X-Factor show, and Harry popped his head out from the kitchen. 

“Hey, Zayn! I’m making Lou some cookies,” he said with the biggest grin on his face. Louis looked back from the television and looked fondly at Harry. They had just gotten back from their summer vacation of three glorious days at Harry’s parent’s place and Louis hadn't been happier than that weekend ‘getaway’. It just sounded ridiculous to Zayn. 

Zayn groaned and pushed Louis further down the couch to sit down. “Why do you have to be so fucking looney? He’s just making cookies, for fuck sakes.” Louis glared at Zayn for his comment. 

“Lou—

“Just because I’m happily enjoying staring at my boyfriend and you are unhappily single, doesn’t mean you can just shit all over my—

“I’m not unhappily single, you fucking dick!” 

Harry pounced in and landed on top of Louis before kissing him. “I don’t like the language that is being used in my home, Zaynie,” Harry taunted. Louis just returned his pout with a sloppy kiss. Zayn faked cringe. 

Zayn looked upon his two best friends with fondness, but couldn't help but want what he had. He silently wondered, Why couldn't he love him?

~~~

*Smash*

“Lou! Stop! You’re going to hurt yourself!” 

“Louis!” 

“Tommo, please stop.” 

*Smash*

“Louis! Stop!” Zayn pleaded with him. 

Before Louis could grab the last picture frame to throw, Zayn grabbed the tiny man’s hand. It was a photo of Louis and Harry by the Big Ben. Zayn remembered the day. Louis came to Zayn with so much excitement that Harry planned a day to take Louis around London like a fucking tourist. And as cheesy as it sounded and much he fucking hated the fact that it wasn't him, he was so happy for Louis. 

But, this couldn't go on. It had been two weeks and he was still throwing a fucking tantrum. 

Louis gave him a glare and yanked his wrist free. “It’s not like I care anymore,” he hissed, throwing the photo as hard as he could against the wall. Glass shattered everywhere, and the pieces that remained inside the frame were jagged and cracked. You could barely see the happy photo that was placed inside. The picture of the couple fell from its place. 

The three boys looked at each other and at the broken room. It was hard to imagine someone like Louis being so broken. 

“Louis, stop it. It’s enough.” 

“Liam, why is he like this?” Niall asked, glancing between all of the boys. “He was fine yesterday.” 

“Liam, could you take Niall home, please? He doesn't need to see this display,” Zayn said, keeping eye contact with Louis the whole time. Liam and Niall looked at each other wearingly and took their leave. 

Once they left, Zayn led Louis to the couch and sat him down. He walked into the kitchen, grabbed a water bottle, and returned giving it to his friend.  
“Why would you break all of the picture frames? Don’t you want to keep them? I know Harry bought you them all. You used to come over to my place every time he gave you one. Now you won’t have them anymore. We’ll have to buy you new ones,” he said sighing, sitting next to the tiny man. 

Louis ran his hands over his face. And tears began to well up in his eyes. “I don’t even know anymore.” 

“Lou, it’s okay. I know you’re going through a tough time, and we all are too, but it’s going to be okay. I’d really love to tell you I understand. I would love to tell you more than anything, but I don’t. I don’t know how it really feels to be going through what you’re going through right now. But, I’m here.” 

“I hate him so much,” Louis whispered, wiping the tears away. “When it first happened, when we first found out, he told me he wouldn't die. He lied to me. He died and he’s just a fucking bastard for leaving. He promised me everything was going to be okay! But it’s not. Nothing is okay. Nothing is the same and nothing is okay…not without him. How am I supposed to live without him?” He was quiet for a moment before whispering, “I just don’t want to look at him.” 

Zayn decided to keep silent, deciding only to pull Louis into a hug. Louis just leaned into his chest and cried for a long time until he fell asleep right there on the couch. 

~~~

It didn't seem to be working out for Zayn, just like every other night. Sleeping wasn't going to happen again tonight, so he rolled over and groaned. 

After not being able to sleep for six hours, Zayn decided walking around would be a much better idea for his back than trying to sleep on that fucking couch. It was supposed to be a great couch; Zayn would know—he picked it out himself in college. It wasn't until he saw Louis and Harry going at it one night that the couch has been officially ruined. 

It was after he realized Louis would probably do even worse alone in this flat with his anger, he decided staying with him until this phase was finished. Which he realized could be while…and all because of that couch, it was ruined. It could be a few weeks more or a few months, but sleeping on that couch was making his time here much more horrible. 

His back was aching, his neck killed, and he smelled like…sweat and stale air. Pushing himself up off the couch, he walked over to the kitchen to make some tea.

He opened the cupboard, nearly dropping the tea cup when he heard something break. Thoughts flew across his mind. Were they being robbed? Did Niall break in again to raid the fridge? Had Louis lost his mind and jumped from the flat window in his room? Whatever it was, he carefully took a few steps towards the sound of the smashing. He landed in front of Louis and Harry’s bathroom. 

“Louis?” he whispered, opening the door slowly. “Louis, did you hear that?” 

Zayn stared at the scene in front of him. There was Louis on the floor with bloody hands and glass shards from the mirror in the sink. “Fucking hell, Louis! What happened?” he asked, rushing over and bending down to get a better look at Louis’ hands. 

“Why won’t he stop?! Why won’t he just leave me alone, for fuck sakes? If he’s going to be dead, why can’t he stay dead?”

“Louis,” he sighed. 

“I’m all alone, but he keeps coming back! To do what? Taunt me?” 

“Louis!” Zayn yelled to gain his attention. He obviously needed medical attention to his hands. 

The rambling stopped falling from Louis’ mouth and he looked up at Zayn with sad, broken eyes. 

“It’s okay, Lou. I’m right here. You aren’t alone. Don’t worry, okay?” 

It was quiet for a moment before Louis spoke up again quietly. “Why did he have to die? What did I do to deserve this? What did he do? We were both so fucking happy.” 

“Louis, I’m sorry. I don’t know why, but it’s alright. Everything is going to be okay. It’s okay,” he murmured, pulling Louis into a tight embrace. “It’s okay.” 

~~~

“Liam, I don’t really know what to do. He’s always angry. It’s hard to get him to focus on things. Everything is getting to hectic,” Zayn explained, talking over the phone with Liam. 

Louis was currently taking a long bath—close to an hour—while Zayn was in the kitchen cooking up some spaghetti for the two of them. He had to continue calling Liam and Niall to keep them updated, since Louis couldn't be arsed to do it himself. He seemed a bit too preoccupied with those tantrums of his. The tiniest mention of Harry’s name turned Louis into some crazy lunatic bound for turning the flat into a city after a hurricane. He swore, threw things at Zayn, broke dishes, burnt anything flammable, and once, he punched the lady at the coffee place for putting too much milk in his tea. 

They decided that Zayn, being the closest to Louis and able to handle the fits of rage, was going to be the only one able to stay next to him. But that was close to hell itself. 

“Have you tried reasoning with him about it?” 

“I got a black eye, Liam.” 

“Oh, right,” Liam chuckled. “Well, Louis is a bit feisty, isn’t he?” 

“If I bring up anything even closely related to Harry, he gets pissed off at me. I asked him if he wanted to throw out some garbage in his room and he screamed at me because apparently that was Harry’s and he couldn't just throw it out. I don’t want to take him to a therapist because I don’t really think that will help with anything. It’ll more or less make him more angry and prone to hitting me in the face. I can’t even get him to see day light.” 

“What about opening the windows?” 

“I don’t even want to risk that.” 

“Zayn!” 

Zayn stopped his conversation with Liam to reply to Louis. He covered the speaker of the phone, shouting back “yeah?” When he didn't get a reply, he turned off the stove and walked towards the open bathroom door. 

Once he reached, he noticed nothing had been broken. That was something new. Louis seemed perfectly fine, and his hand was fine, despite the bandages which were nicely kept out of the tub. There was no blood in the water, which means he didn't have another fit, and nothing was damaged. 

“What?” he asked, sounding almost annoyed…something he instantly regretted. Louis was for sure going to punch him again. 

“I want to get out,” Louis simply replied, ignoring the tone of voice, and held out his hand. Rolling his eyes, Zayn shook his head. “Louis, you can get out by yourself. You’re a big boy.” 

With that, Zayn walked out, returning to his phone call with the older male. 

“What happened?” Zayn asked. 

“Nothing, he just decided he was going to be a princess today.” 

“He’s always been a princ—yeah? Okay, alright. Zayn, I’ve got to go. Niall says Nando sprinted out of the house again. I’ll call you later.” 

“Okay. Talk later, Liam.” 

Zayn ended the call and placed the phone down on the table next to him, walking over to the stove and turning it back on. 

It was few minutes that he realized he didn't hear movement from the bathroom, which made him think Louis was still sitting in the tub. He groaned. “Lou, get out of the bathtub! The water is probably freezing by now.” 

There was still no movement. 

“Louis, I said get out,” he called out again, holding the spoon as he walked back the bathroom. “Why aren't you—Louis?” 

Zayn dropped the spoon and ran over to the bathtub where Louis was holding himself under the water. He grabbed his shoulders and yanked him out of the water, his own body shaking from what he was witnessing. He never thought Louis would pull this kind of stunt. 

“Louis! What the fuck were you thinking?” he snapped, grabbing a towel with one hand and holding the boy with the other. “You could’ve killed yourself!” 

“I saw him,” Louis said calmly. 

“Saw who? The grim reaper? You fucking looney, you just tried to kill yourself!” 

“No, not that.” 

Zayn wrapped the male in the towel and pulled him out of the tub. “Then who the hell did you see?!” 

Louis kept quiet, a light and happy look on his face. “Louis, who did you see?” Zayn asked again, continuing to dry off his friend. What was Zayn supposed to do with him? He was way out of his element. 

“I saw Harry.” 

~~~

“Harry? What are you doing here?” Zayn asked confused. He wasn't expecting Harry here at his flat today. Zayn thought Lou had told him Harry had an appointment today. 

But, there he was. He was standing in his doorway wrapped in his big blue coat and silk scarf. “Do you mind if I come in? I don’t have too much time. Louis’ waiting for me at home.” Zayn blinked confused, but agreed and stepped aside to let him in. Harry shuffled in from the chilly air of outside and took off his coat. 

The two of them sat down at the kitchen table with cups of tea between them. Harry was quiet, unusually quiet, and that worried Zayn. What could keep him like this? Harry and Louis were going through the natural turmoil’s of illness, but they were doing fine as much as the others could tell. 

Harry took another sip of his tea before looking up at Zayn with a small smile. “Zayn, I have to ask you of something.” 

“Of course, anything. You know I’d do anything for Lou and you, Harry.” Harry smiled fondly at the thought. 

“I know you and Lou have a special bond, and I’m really glad that he has someone like you. I couldn't think of a better person to ask this of.” 

Zayn blushed and smiled sheepishly. He urged Harry to continue. 

“I know that you love Lou.” 

Zayn’s eyes bugged from his head and scrambled to explain. He knew by the way Harry said it, he knew that he was completely bonkers for the tiny little nutter. Harry just waved him off and smiled. 

“It’s okay, Zayn. I knew for a long time. I’m not sure that Louis knows, but he might. I guess I didn't say anything because I know you’d never do anything to our relationship or to Lou.” 

“No, of course not. I’d never do that to you guys.” Zayn was glad Harry understood. 

“I know. Which is why, if…if this thing gets the best of me—

“Whoa, Harry! Please don’t speak like that! Lou needs you.” Harry smiled again, but it looked a little funny. It was like he knew something that he wasn't saying to Zayn. 

“Zayn, I’m telling you that if something does happen, I have to ask that you’ll take care of my Lou. He’ll need someone there for him more than anything and I know you can be that person. I know he’ll take it badly, but he needs to move on. You know, Louis has a lot of spark and fire and it can’t go to waste. Louis will need you.” 

Zayn sat in silence and shock at what Harry was saying. He wasn't sure how to respond. “Will you take care of my baby for me?” 

He looked up at Harry and furiously nodded. “Of course, Harry. Like I said, I’d do anything for you and Lou.” 

~~~

Chapter 3: Bargaining 

Louis smiled up at the blurry figure in front of him. The water invaded his mouth again, but he didn't mind. It felt almost refreshing, and seeing Harry’s face again smile down at him with those caring eyes and dimpled cheeks made everything absolutely worth it. 

He learned that every time he was close to death, or attempting to meet death halfway, Harry was always there. No matter what, he was there like he tried telling Louis he was going to be alright. All those moments, the moments he thought it wasn't worth it anymore, none of it was worth it, it all made him see Harry. 

The first night he saw him… the night he smashed the mirror, he had tried it for the first time. He found Harry’s medication in the drawer beside their bed. One quick look at them made the decision easy. 

Just a few pills, he thought. 

At that time, it was a real attempt to kill himself. He was so angry at the world. He was angry at Harry, he was angry at the doctors, he was angry at himself; he was just angry at everything, and he wanted to die. 

And seeing Harry’s face appear in the mirror across the room like that made him feel even angrier, yet relieved. 

Though, as it neared it even more, he realized that he didn't want to see the dead man. It was a sick reminder of what had happened. Louis didn't want to be reminded of Harry. He wanted to forget. So, he smashed the mirror. 

The day in the bathtub, he had wanted to get out. But, he also wanted to try again. He just wanted to see the man’s face one more time. 

So he did. And right as went under and held his breath, the blurry water turned into a picture perfect Harry. 

His man. 

And that’s how it started. 

Zayn told him to stop because it was bad for his body. Surely being alive and living with the constant feeling of sorrow was worse than the life he was living now. Well, at least now he had relief. 

Because seeing Harry’s face smile at Louis like he used to was enough to make his heart race again. His heart always raced for Harry because he was better than anyone else in the whole wide world. 

Despite the fact that the man who caused him that feeling was dead, he still lived another day to try and see him. 

The picture of Harry was always ruined with Zayn’s angry face. It held a hint of sadness each time. Zayn wanted Louis to stop. He wanted him to stop so badly, but he wasn't sure what else to do. “Louis, why do you keep doing this?” 

“Because I keep seeing him,” he replied, letting Zayn take him out of the bathtub and wrapping him in a towel. 

“Your organs are going to die if you keep doing this, Lou.” 

“Then let them,” Louis argued. 

“No,” he replied sternly, giving Louis a hard look. “I’m not going to let you do this to yourself. I’m not going to let you die. It’s not what Harry wanted me to do.” 

Louis scoffed. “And you would know that because….?” 

“Because he told me, Louis. He told me you would take it hard and that I had to help you move on. I have to keep you alive, Louis. I have to do this for Harry. This isn't what he wanted for you.” 

“You never told me this!” Louis yelled. He hit Zayn straight in the chest, trying as hard as he could to hurt him, but he just let out a weak cry. 

“I’m sorry, Lou. He told me, not you.” 

“So what?” Louis cried out. 

“So they were my words. And I’m not going to let him down.” 

Louis let out an exasperated breath and looked away as Zayn pulled the drain for the tub. “He was going to say something to me,” Louis spoke, keeping his eyes trained on the door as he sat in front of the cold tub. 

“Was he?” Zayn said, trying to get Louis to calm down, but worried he might be feeding into Louis’ fantasies. 

Louis hummed in response, gripping his towel tighter as the cold air continued to attack him. “I think that if I get even closer to death, then I’ll be able to hear him.” 

Zayn stopped moving. Louis looked over at him, his face completely unfazed by the words he just spoke. 

“Louis,” Zayn began, pulling back and sitting in front of his friend. “Don’t.” 

“Don’t what?” Louis asked as if he really didn't know. 

“Don’t try to hear him,” Zayn said as if it should have been obvious to Louis. “If it means getting even closer to death than what you already have, then don’t.” 

“I want to hear him talk again.” 

“Louis, please—

“He’s my boyfriend, Zayn!”

“Was your boyfriend, Louis! He’s not your boyfriend anymore! Stop talking like he’s still alive! I’m tired of this, Lou!” 

“Well, I’m not!” Louis screamed at him. 

Zayn ran a hand over his face and sighed in anger. “He’s a fucking ghost! It’s your mind playing tricks on you again!” 

More silence. 

“I’m going to try it again sometime. And you can’t stop me.” 

Zayn let out another sigh, rubbing his temples. “Fucking hell, Lou,” Zayn exhaled, shaking his head. “Why do you have to be so difficult?” 

“Because I would do anything to get him back.” Zayn looked up again, meeting the eyes of his friend, who appeared to be too serious. “I would do anything to get Harry back. If it means holding my breath even longer under the tub, then so be it. Anything. My life isn't worth anything unless he’s here. And I would give up my life for his in an instant.” 

“You don’t mean that—

“I do. I do mean it, Zayn. He was going to mean something to the world, you know? Even though no one knew about his music, he was going to change the world with it. And what am I going to do? Show the world that football was changing shit?” 

“You both meant something to the world.” 

“Not me. His music already changed some people’s lives. It changed my lif—

“Stop!” Zayn snapped up, rubbing his face again. “Just…stop. Please.” 

“Zayn—

“Don’t. Just…don’t. Don’t say my name as if what you’re saying is sane.” 

“It is! I’m saying what any grieving person might—

“No. You’re saying what makes sense to you.” 

“Zayn, listen—

“No, Louis…you listen. Stop. Stop trying to kill yourself just to see Louis. He’s gone. He’s supposed to stay gone, and the only reason you’re seeing him is because he doesn't want you to die.” 

“That’s why I’m doing it,” he mumbled. 

“What?” Zayn asked dumbfounded. 

“That’s why I’m doing it! I’m doing it because I want to know he still cares. I don’t want him to be dead, because he’s not supposed to be! He can’t be dead and by seeing him, there’s the smallest feeling in my stomach that maybe this is all a fucked dream!” 

“It’s not, Louis. Trust me, it’s not. I wish it was, because my life is as fucked up as yours.” 

“Really? Because last time I checked, you’re boyfriend wasn’t dead!” 

Zayn blinked and gaped at him. “So, you’re really going to start playing that card, huh?” 

Louis turned his head and looked at the wall. “You've never had the love of your life taken from you, have you? Until you feel the pain I've gone through, I’m not going to stop.” 

But I do know, Zayn thought to himself. Zayn knew all too well. 

~~~

Louis and Harry stood in front of their new flat. It was so exciting for the both of them. The two of them decided that getting a place away from the other guys was a good idea. A place of their own was a good step in their relationship.

“Isn’t it great, Lou?” Harry beamed at Louis. Louis smiled back and nuzzled into Harry’s bicep. 

“It’s perfect, Harry. Let’s go inside,” Louis grabbed Harry’s wrist and dragged in their new place. It was just a little place that wasn't too big or too small, and they probably couldn't afford it, but it was just for them. 

There wasn't any furniture yet, but it was theirs and Louis loved it; almost as much as he loved Harry. “Lou, would you like to know something?” 

Louis looked at him with wonder. “What?” 

“I love you,” Harry said with a big smile. 

“Well, I love you too, you fucking idiot. But, I already knew that.” Harry just giggled. 

“Okay, that wasn't what I wanted to tell you. I really wanted to tell you that you mean the world to me and I’m really happy you agreed to live together on our own.” 

It was Louis’ turn to giggle. “I wouldn't want to live with anyone else anymore.” 

Harry took Louis into their new bedroom where he had placed a blanket on the floor with some pillows. Louis just laughed and pulled Harry down on top of it with him. 

The two of them snuggled and whispered together. “Lou, I love you so much. How did I get so lucky?” Louis just shrugged and told Harry he thought the same thing. 

“Louis, when I met you, I thought you were the coolest kid. What did you think of me?” 

“I hated you,” he said with a serious face. “I absolutely hated your cute little face and your stupid smile because you were younger than me and probably had cooties or something. I guess it’s a good thing I changed my mind, huh Harry?”

Harry just shook his head. “I definitely had cooties. Actually, you should probably get checked out because of it. We’ve kissed,” Harry said wiggling his eyebrows at the giggling Louis. Louis couldn’t believe that his boyfriend was so stupid. 

“Harry, we’ve done more than just kiss.” 

“Oh yes, we’ve had… sex,” he said with a smirk. Louis elbowed Harry into the stomach lightly. “You do talk some shit, don’t you, Harry?” he groaned. 

“At least you love me, right?” 

“I have no clue why that is—

Harry wrapped his fingers around Louis’. “Look Lou, I’m not sure if it’s an act of luck or nature or god himself, but whatever it is, I’m glad they gave me you.” 

~~~

“Zayn said I’d find you here,” Liam said, taking a seat next to Louis in the pew. 

It had been a week or so, Louis had lessened his encounters with death and began turning to whoever made him for a second chance. Harry always said that he thanked whatever gave him Louis, so maybe Louis should turn to that same person to bring him back together with Harry again. It was a weak chance, but he hoped more than anything. 

He ignored Liam as he continued whispering for a bargain. His life for Harry’s. Or him to be in the hospital, but still be able to see Harry. He used to think Harry being sick was the worst outcome he could have hoped for, but this was so much worse. He wanted anything. He had even looked up online different ways of bringing back the dead, though all were failures. Louis sounded like a damn nutter. 

So, he began resorting to asking the high-ups for a chance. Even if it was to be Harry’s best friend, or not even know him…he would do anything to have him back here. 

“You’re not going to tell me what I’m doing is crazy?” Louis finally asked, continuing to look up at the hanging crucifix. 

“No, it’s pretty sane. I’m sure this is how anyone would react if something that tragic happened.” 

“Really? Because Zayn doesn’t look at it like that.” 

“Zayn’s known you for years. He just wants you back to normal. He really does care for you, more than anything. But, he’s never experienced someone with trauma like yours. You just have to give him time.” 

Liam scooted closer to the other, resting his hand on top of Louis’. 

“My mum used to say that when you had two people praying for the same thing, it worked better.” He smiled at Louis before closing his eyes. 

“Thank you, Liam.” 

“Pray, Lou. It won’t work if you’re not focused.” 

~~~

Chapter Four: Depression

“Louis, it’s time to go,” Zayn said, holding the blank boy’s jacket. 

Louis sat in on the couch, where he had been for the last month, excluding the times that Zayn made him take a shower, staring at the picture frame Zayn had managed to save and hang. 

“Louis, please? Let’s go. It’s time for your appointment,” he reiterated, holding the jacket out to him. 

Louis looked up at him with blank eyes and nodded. “Okay,” he said simply, his voice barely reaching high enough to be considered talking. It broke Zayn’s heart to watch his friend sit on the couch and do nothing every day. He was seriously out of his element, but he was trying so hard to figure this out. 

He had watched this before. He watched his grandmother go through this when his grandpa died, but it was never this bad. 

She sat on the couch and cried. Sometimes she screamed, but she never had taken it to this extreme. And Zayn had seen their relationship. He saw that as the love that everyone should have. Happy and always waking up, knowing you’re loved. He never had seen any love as strong as that of his grandparents. 

But seeing Louis take Harry’s death ten times worse than his grandma’s grief, he came to the conclusion that either Louis was a drama queen and took grief differently than others…or his idea of real love was crushed and replaced by Harry’s and Louis’. And that hurt him more than he should have known. The man he loved was so in love with another, another man he called his best friend, and it killed him. However, he made a promise. And he couldn’t break that promise, not for anything. 

He helped Louis pull on his jacket and led him to the door. He noticed that, as Louis held onto his arm for support, his friend had lost a significant amount of weight over this past month or so. Wow, Zayn thought to himself. I’m doing such a good job for Harry. It’s been six months and he’s still like this. It was a snide comment that Louis would berate Zayn for, but Zayn couldn’t help himself. 

“Louis, did you try the exercises Dr. Lindsay gave you?” Zayn asked, taking   
his seat on the driver’s side of the car. 

“I didn’t see a point,” Louis responded passively, staring straight out the window. 

Zayn let out a sigh and placed a cigarette in his mouth before starting up the car. “You need to do them if you want to get better,” he said with an aggravated tone. 

“Who said I wanted to get better?” 

“Louis, we discussed thi—

“No, Zayn. You discussed. I didn’t have to listen to you.” 

Zayn huffed. “You know Louis; I’m trying really hard here. The doctor told us, told you, that you need to work at this. It’s not just going to get better on its own.” 

“I don’t want to forget,” Louis squeaked out, clasping his hands on his lap. Zayn looked at his friend concerned and placed a gentle hand on over Louis’. 

“We don’t want you to forget, Lou. We want you to get better.” 

“But what if I don’t want to?” Louis asked again. 

“I know you do—

“I don’t—

“Well I do!” 

Louis fell silent and Zayn continued. 

“Look, Lou…I’m sorry that Harry died, I really am. But that was nearly six months ago! And I want you back to normal. I need you to be normal again.” 

“So, you’d rather have me suffer so that you could be happy?” Louis asked, irritated with Zayn being so selfish. 

“That’s not what I mean—

“It sure sounded like it, you prick,” Louis hissed out at him, crossing his arms defensively. 

Zayn inhaled slowly and exhaled, deciding to start over. “Lou, look. If I could go back in time and change everything so that you were happy again, I would. If I could make it so you had more time with Harry, then I would. I really would. But what happened, happened. I can’t change it, so the best thing we can do is try and let it get better.” 

“I don’t want things to get better! Because if I do, I’ll forget him!” 

“No you won’t! We don’t just forget people because we get better. We forget people because we let ourselves!” 

Louis glared at Zayn. “Since when did you get a psychology diploma shoved up your arse?” 

“Louis…you’re my best friend—my closest best friend. But I haven’t been able to treat you like that since Harry died, because you fucking turn on me! I’m just trying to help you the best way I can, but you won’t let me! I need my best friend back. I need to be able to talk about things. I need to laugh about how ridiculous Liam is with his working out. I need to laugh with you about the coffee girl who’s always trying to get my number; despite the numerous times I’ve told her I’m gay. I need that person again. But I don’t have that person because he’s broken. And what I really need is for that person to be fixed. Please, Louis. I need you to be fixed.” 

Louis chewed his bottom lip, turning his head to look out the window. 

Zayn took the silence after that to be an agreement, since Louis’ ego was too big to say it himself. 

~~~

Louis was making dinner for the two of them. He couldn’t really cook, but he knew as long as he followed the recipe, it couldn’t turn out that bad. Harry was sleeping soundly in their bedroom. He slept most afternoons because he was sick now, but Louis didn’t mind all too much. He came home to a quiet flat and a cuddly Harry when he did wake up for food. 

There was a sound of shuffling feet behind him and he looked over his shoulder. 

Harry was standing there in a pair of joggers and a baggy tee shirt. He was rubbing his eyes from the sleep and smiled at Louis looking at him. “Hi, Lou.” His voice was still groggy from the nap and Louis couldn’t help but grin back at him fondly. 

“Hi, love; how was your nap?” 

“’S good. How was work today?”

“The usual,” he said waving a hand. He turned back to the stove and continued cooking. “I’m making us some dinner. It should be done soon.” 

Harry made his way behind Louis and wrapped his lanky arms around Louis’ tiny frame. Louis snuggled into the embrace and smiled up at his boyfriend. How did I get so lucky? He thought. 

“What are you making?” 

“Just a stir fry; Niall gave me the recipe last week.” 

“It smells good, Lou.” The smiled at each other and Harry placed a kiss on Louis’ cheek. 

Harry went to sit at the kitchen table while watching Louis finish up making dinner. He was still tired, but he had to give Louis some much needed attention. Louis was usually taking care of Harry most days and Harry thought he could at least be available and awake for dinner. And maybe they could cuddle after dinner. Harry loved cuddling. 

“Did you make it to the doctor’s okay, this morning?” Louis asked as he placed the food on their plates. 

Harry grimaced, but fitted a comforting smile on his face. 

“Yeah, I did.” 

“And how did it go?” Louis asked again. Louis was always pressing for information from Harry. Harry knew that he had to be gentle with Louis while telling him things because he clearly overreacted…a lot. 

“It went okay.” 

“Harry—

“Lou, can we talk about this tomorrow? We should have a nice dinner and then we can cuddle after. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

Louis glared at Harry and raised an eyebrow. “Will you just tell me what he said?” 

Harry sighed. “Says I might have an infection,” Harry mumbled. 

“Might have an infection? Shouldn’t he know if you do or not? He’s the doctor for fuck sakes.” 

“Well, it’s hard to track what’s an infection because of the disease and—

“He’s obviously a fucking idiot.” 

It was quiet for a few minutes before Louis spoke up again in an aggravated tone. 

“We’re switching doctors. There’s someone who’s much better. I bet he doesn’t know anything. You probably aren’t even sick.” 

Harry frowned and grabbed Louis’ hand. “Lou—

“No, Harry,” Louis said as he took back his hand. “The doctor is fucking wrong.” 

“Will you just listen to me for—

“I’m going to call my mum; maybe she knows a good doctor. I’ll make sure to call her in the—

“Louis!” Harry yelled. 

Louis looked up at Harry, shock painting his face. Harry hardly raised his voice at Louis. 

“You need to fucking listen for once in your life, okay? I’m sick. It’s there, Louis. The doctor isn’t making this shit up. Stop acting delusional and take this seriously, please.” 

“I’m not delusional, Harry. I’m just trying to make sure you have the best help!” 

“You’re acting like I’m going to magically get better,” Harry huffed. 

“Why are you just giving up like this?” 

“I’m not giving up, Louis! I’m trying to be realistic here.” 

“Are you just waiting to die? Is that what it is?” 

“You’re acting like a child.” 

Louis stood up from the table prepared to march out of the kitchen. “I’m trying to think of us. You told me forever and I’m trying not to forget that.” 

Harry didn’t say a word. He wasn’t sure who was in the wrong tonight. So, he just blinked. 

Louis scoffed. “It seems you’ve already forgotten.”

Harry and Louis didn’t speak for the rest of the night. Louis too stubborn to admit defeat and Harry was just so exhausted with it all. They went to bed, sleeping on the furthest sides of the mattress. 

~~~

“So, Louis; how have you been feeling?” 

Louis shrugged, looking at the door that Zayn had just walked out of. “Fine I guess.” 

“Are any new thoughts coming up?” Dr. Lindsay asked, looking up from her papers. 

“Sometimes I want to die,” Louis said simply, crossing his legs. He itched to look at the clock and see how much time had passed. It probably wasn’t very much. 

“Well that isn’t exactly new, but are you feeling like committing suicide?” 

“Not really,” he admitted. “But, if something else bad were to happen to me, I don’t think that I would necessarily care. I’d probably welcome it.” 

Dr. Lindsay fixed herself on the chair and pushed up her glasses. “What do you mean?” 

“I mean that I’m not strong enough to go through with the suicide. I couldn’t do that to the guys, especially Niall. But, I guess if a car were racing towards me in the street, I don’t think I would get out of the way.” 

She nodded, writing down on her notepad, though it looked as if what Louis had said just scared her. Not that I care, he thought bitterly. 

“How about your relationship with Zayn? Has that gotten better? Stayed the same? Worse?” 

“Zayn’s a nice kid. He’s always there for me. But I wouldn’t say that this has caused us to get closer than normal,” he replied, picking at his fingernails. 

“Are you trying with him?” 

Louis shrugged again. “I guess not.” 

“And why not?” 

“He just doesn’t understand.” 

“What doesn’t he understand, Louis?” 

“How I’m feeling, I mean. He didn’t lose Harry like I did.” 

“But he did lose Harry, didn’t he?” 

“Well, yeah I suppose. But it’s different,” Louis argued. 

“You seem awfully talkative today,” the doctor pointed out. 

“I promised Zayn I would.” 

“And you don’t talk about Zayn a lot. But you’ve started recently.” 

“There’s not much else to talk about.” 

“We could talk about Harry,” she said, flipping to another page in her notebook. 

“What about him?” 

“How was your life with him?” 

Louis looked down at his fingernails. “That’s something I don’t really want to talk about—

“Why not? Was there something that went wrong with that time in your life?”

“No! Of course not—

“Then why don’t you want to talk about it?” 

“I…I don’t know. I guess I just figure that if I talk about him, then I’ll forget about him. I don’t want to forget.” 

“How?” 

Louis let out a long breath, re-positioning himself. “I’ve watched as other people talk about people who have died, and then once they get all those bottled up feelings out, they just…stop. They stop talking about them, and then they stop thinking about them. And then they really are dead.” 

Dr. Lindsay leaned forward, pushing up her glasses. “Louis, we don’t forget then unless we make ourselves forget. Do you want to forget Harry?” 

“I just fucking said that I didn’t.” Louis sighed and began to ignore the doctor. He checked the time. Time had barely passed by. And he was already tired of talking. 

~~~

“God, I love you so much,” he breathed into his ear. 

“I love, ah, love you too,” he fumbled back. He couldn’t concentrate with him digging into his hips like that. 

Louis let out a moan and wrapped his legs tighter around Harry’s back. And with each movement, Louis’ fingernails scratched harder and further up the male’s back. He hoped it would leave traces. 

“You feel so good,” he whispered again into his ear. Louis shivered. 

He didn’t reply but he squeezed harder, hoping Harry was getting the transmission of love. 

“It’s…it’s been so long. I’m sorry,” Harry said trailing off as he pushed harder. He left a trail of kisses down Louis’ neck to make the pleasure increase with each quick, solid movement. 

The faster the thrusts went, the further he went in, and Louis squirmed. His nails dug even deeper into the muscular back. It felt right. 

They felt in tune with each other and he couldn’t imagine doing this with anyone but Harry. 

“Louis, I’m close,” he heard whispered in his ear. The voice morphed back and Harry’s face was gone. 

Once the realization hit him, he spoke. “Zayn…” he whispered, his happiness coming to an abrupt end. “Zayn, I’m sorry,” he whispered again. 

He felt the warm liquid be released inside of him and he cringed. 

This didn’t feel right. It wasn’t nearly the same.

The tears fell. 

“About what?” Zayn asked, breathless and oblivious as he pulled out of Louis and lay next to him on the bed. On their bed, Louis thought disgustingly. Zayn’s eyes were falling close, barely able to keep them open. 

Louis chewed his bottom lip. Zayn was his childhood friend, and he just tainted that friendship, and Harry, with two rounds of screwing each other. 

And the only thing that Louis kept thinking about…was Harry. 

“Never mind, it’s nothing. I’ll tell you later, maybe.” 

Zayn smiled weakly and pecked Louis’ lips, turning on his side to take a long needed sleep. 

Louis, however, rolled onto his back, looking up at the ceiling fan spin. Betrayal and disgust played through his mind, reminding him that he just had his best friend, in their bed, in their flat, when his dead lover was probably watching. 

 

Zayn had nightmarish visions play behind his eyes of Harry. He saw his smile and his kindness and his trust with Zayn; to look after Louis, no less. He sure was fucking everything up. 

“You’ll take care of my Lou for me, won’t you, Zayn?” Harry said smiling at him. 

Zayn rolled his eyes and waved his hand at Harry. “Yes, Harry.” 

“That’s good,” Harry said in a tired voice. Harry should be getting sleep now. The hospital wasn’t comfortable at all, but whenever Harry could sleep, he would. 

“I know I can trust you with him, Zayn,” he continued, in that soft voice that everyone loved. 

Tears rolled down Zayn’s cheek. 

“I don’t think I could trust Niall or Liam,” Harry admitted with a chuckle, turning over on his side, away from Zayn. Zayn sat still listening to the weary Harry, his hand holding Harry’s in a weird position because he moved. 

“Niall has trouble looking after the dog. I think he might forget sometimes,” the soft laughter continued. “I couldn’t ask Liam to do such a thing. He’s already got a handful with Niall, you know? I think you’re perfect.” 

“Sure, Harry. Whatever you say,” Zayn said choked up. 

“I know you’ll take care of him for me. Love you, Zaynie,” he said, squeezing Zayn’s hand. 

They both were silent and Zayn could hear Harry lightly snore. He rested his head on the empty bed space and let out a sigh. 

He was going to take care of Louis the best way he could. He would want Harry to be proud of him. 

 

Wow, they both thought in their own self-destructive minds. What a prick. 

~~~

Chapter Five: Acceptance 

“Lou?” 

The conversation had stopped. It had just stopped. They had been speaking seconds ago, but it was silent. Zayn was sitting at the table while Louis prepared dinner. It had been fine. Everything had been great. The depression had hidden itself away in the moment of time. 

And then it just stopped. He had stopped moving. Everything stopped. 

“Louis?” he asked again, worry growing in his tone. 

It has happened before. He would stop and just destroy all the progress they had made with a fight. It would come out of nowhere. Zayn could usually tell if it was going to happen. 

He stood, walking over to the shorter male. “Are you okay?” 

Expecting the worse as he neared, Zayn placed his hands on the elder’s shoulders. 

But the worst never came. 

It was like when it looked like it would storm, but the clouds would move away before rain could fall. The sun would appear and all the darkness would be replaced with light. 

That’s what happened. 

Instead of the angry tears and depressed look that he had grown accustomed to, bright eyes with soft tears met his. 

“Louis?” he asked confused. 

“Harry’s dead,” he whispered silently, to no one in particular. Zayn barely picked up on the words. 

“What—

“Harry’s dead, and everything’s going to be okay, isn’t it?” he said again, this time slightly louder. 

Now becoming the one to stop moving, Zayn’s eyes widened. 

“It’s going to be okay.” 

Slowly, but surely, a smile grew on Zayn’s face. 

“Yeah. Yeah, it is,” he finally spoke, pulling the shorter into a hug. “It’s going to be okay, Louis. Everything is going to be just fine.” 

Louis was sitting on Harry’s side of the bed, crying into his hands. A photo frame lay in his lap. He prayed to go back to such a happy time for the two of them. It was them at their high school graduation, cap and gown, smiling at each other. We have the world in front of us and I can’t wait to spend a life time exploring with it; it was engraved at the bottom. 

Louis cried harder as his heart caved in on itself.

Everything was a mess and Louis couldn’t fix it. Louis kept fighting with Harry about everything. He really didn’t mean it, but he couldn’t help it. He was just so angry. He was so angry at the world. And here he was sitting, crying and being pathetic when Harry was the one that was sick. Fucking pathetic. 

He could hear Harry shuffling in. 

Louis tried wiping his tears before Harry could see or hear him. 

Harry just sat beside him. The two of them sat in quiet. Louis was sniffling gently, unable to control his crying, and Harry sighed. “Lou, please don’t cry. Please, baby,” he pleaded. Harry too was holding back tears. He hated seeing Louis this upset. 

Louis wiped his eyes again and glanced at his boyfriend. “I’m sorry,” he admitted. “I really don’t mean to.” Louis was saying it for the crying, but he was secretly talking about the fighting. 

Harry knew what he meant. 

“Lou, I know. I’m…I’m sorry.” 

“’S not your fault, Harry. It’s mine. I’m always arguing with you and acting like a prick, but I just…I don’t know. I’m sorry.” More tears flooded Louis’ cheeks and Harry went to thumb them away. 

“It’s not your fault, Lou. We’re both trying our best here, right? There’s not much else we can do.” 

Louis sniffled and buried his head into Harry’s chest. Harry stroked Louis’ back softly and laid his nose in his hair. Louis curled in as small as he could.   
Harry engulfed him in an embrace. 

“I’m so scared, Harry. I can’t do this without you.” 

“I’m not going anywhere yet, baby. Don’t talk like that,” Harry shushed him, even though he knew it wasn’t going to get any better. They could only wait. The two of them were counting the days they had together, even though they knew they shouldn’t, and the others were trying desperately to keep everyone hopeful. 

“We were supposed to have forever. How am I supposed to live without you by my side? What if you stay sick? What if we never stop fighting? What if you get worse? What happens if you…die? I couldn’t bear it, Harry. You can’t expect me to be able to take that. You’re my life.” 

Harry started to cry into Louis’ hair. 

The two of them didn’t speak for a long time. They just cried together. And once they settled into their bed, clothes still on and cheeks still stained, Harry held Louis as close as he could. He whispered the only thing he could in that moment. 

“It’ll be okay, Lou. I promise everything will be alright.” 

“Let’s move,” he said abruptly. 

Zayn choked on his tear, the hot liquid catching in this throat blocking his air ways. After regaining his composure, letting himself cough a few times before settling back again, he met Louis’ eyes. 

“Why?” he asked bewildered, setting down the mug on the table. “This is a nice place. It’s close to our work, in a nice neighbourhood, good price and all that. Why in the world would you want to move?” 

Louis set down the mug he had in his hands and peered at Zayn. “I have too many memories here,” he replied simply. 

Zayn replied with a quiet and unsure oh as he leaned back in his chair. “Well, why don’t we make new memories?” he suggested. “We can redecorate your room and the living room all that, make it like new. Repaint, stuff like that, right?” 

“I don’t think that would help. No matter where I go, I still see us.” 

“Not the ‘you-and-I’ us, but the ‘you-and-him’ us, right?” 

Louis nodded, biting his lip. Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything. 

Zayn just sighed and grasped his hands together. “Well, where would you like to move? Into a new city?” he asked with a soft, understanding grin. 

Louis looked surprised. “No, we couldn’t do that. We have jobs here. We have Niall and Liam here.” 

“We can always find new jobs. And Niall and Liam could come visit. We wouldn’t move countries, Lou,” he said chuckling. 

Louis sighed, nodding his head. “Let’s just look around the city. I think I just need a new neighbourhood.” 

“Then we’ll start looking around, okay?” 

“I’m being ridiculous, right?” Louis asked. “Wanting to leave the nice life we have here just to get out of these memories. Should that be okay? To want to leave the life I made with Harry?” 

“You’re not being ridiculous, Louis. I’m sure anyone in your situation would do the same.” 

“Yeah, but it’s only been two years since he died.” 

Zayn sighed, looking at Louis with a contented look. “It’s your life, now, Lou. You can whatever you want with it.” 

On moving day, Louis was the last to leave the flat. Zayn told him he should have time to say goodbye personally, since he might be a little emotional while leaving. 

Of course, Louis laughed at him, complaining that no one has an attachment to a house. 

But as he walked towards the front door, ready to leave the house in its bare, empty state, he stopped, looking at the flat one last time with fondness. He smiled lightly as he remembered the first time they had moved in. He chuckled at the weeks following where he had complained about it not being enough for them. 

He complained constantly, telling Harry that it seemed too small. Or that it smelled weird. Of course Harry ignored him, for he had already known Louis loved it and they would build onto their life together here. 

“It doesn’t matter if it’s too small, Louis. We can make it all our own. Just me and you.” 

He remembered the first time they had an argument in the flat, too. It was over something completely stupid, most likely. He couldn’t remember. He looked at the living room wall. The scratch there in the wall had been from Louis throwing some object that was close to him, yelling that Harry was in fact wrong, and he was right. 

He also remembered that Harry has just looked at Louis, simply nodding and agreeing with Louis to end the useless, unimportant fight. 

Or the time when Harry came back, happier than ever, all because the owner of the café down the road was going to let him perform on Thursday nights. 

Louis looked out the window in the living room. He could see Zayn packing up the last of the car. He figured the guy wouldn’t mind if he took a little longer to say goodbye. He swore to himself, and to Zayn, that he wasn’t going to get emotional, yet here he was, staring at an empty room, almost wishing they weren’t really leaving. 

But he wanted to leave, too. He had to leave. Because at the same time that all those happy and great memories he shared with Harry in this flat, rested below one stupid memory. 

He couldn’t help but only remember the time when Harry told him the news. He sat Louis down on the couch and told him about the disease that would probably kill him. 

Louis remembered the way that Harry looked. The look that never changed no matter what Louis did, he couldn’t wipe it from his mind. And even when Harry did change it for Louis’ sake, he still heard the cries when Harry thought Louis wasn’t home yet. He still saw that hint of knowing and suffering going on behind Harry’s eyes. 

Knowing that he was going to leave this wonderful life with Louis. 

Letting out a sigh and wiping the tears he barely realized were there, Louis held his hand over the light switch. 

And as he turned it off, he smiled at the appearance of a dimpled-smiled man standing in the hallway. 

A man by the name of Harry Styles.

They looked at each other and knew it was really going to be all okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Did you enjoy? I hope you did. 
> 
> I hope you didn't cry as much as I did while writing or as much as my friends did with reading it. 
> 
> x


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